The Journal of a Depressed Yogi. A life time of thinking you are never enough, and then trusting that my heart has messages to guide me with compassion and love.
Thursday January 20, 2022
Today was a bit better, I was able to go for a walk with Sammy, very pregnant Sammy, Harvey and our pups Izzy and Maisey. This evening I lead the fourth day of the the ten day series of The Anchored Heart. It was a bit chaotic! First I sent out the wrong link and wondered why each person was not arriving to class, I sent the meeting from the day before! Izzy barked more during this class and then I was kicked out of the meeting because of the poor wifi we have in Sicamous. I was so frazzled and tears were threatening, I felt the sinking feeling of my thoughts. “ This is hopeless!” “Why do you bother?” It was this feeling of that I would never be able to accomplish anything because this is what “typically” happened for me.
The habitual thoughts going back to prove why I would never succeed, finding evidence of my failures. I have never felt like I deserve to own anything. Even in a business that I have been part of building, I do not have the recognition or “worthiness” of having a respected opinion. I do not feel like an owner and I do not feel heard.
A company that I worked so hard to build in the toughest times, when I was not with my babies because we worked long hours, it was exhausting. I struggled with trying to raise my girls but also told I needed “contribution” to do my part.
Even though I did this to this day, I do not feel that "the business"it is a part of me. I feel like anything I put into it, will be eventually taken away again. I feel resentful that the time taken away from my daughters was not acknowledged. Just writing these words have stirred emotions and a sadness that lives deep inside of me. Will the new studio space I built be taken away because it will be considered that it can be put to better use? This is where my brain goes, when challenged and feeling failure.
I was that person that was brought in for the “eleventh hour” to step into a position that someone had left and my partners did not want to pay anyone else to do. The job that I left after twenty-five years because I had a nervous breakdown, the job that I had tried to go back three time but had to leave again sick and scared I would fall back into that dark place. The darkness of feeling like a failure, not good enough and, not apart of something that I had worked so hard in the beginning to build. Even though I did this work, it was not recognised, valued or respected. I vowed never to go back into the pure darkness of another nervous breakdown, and was told by my doctor that I had PSTD from that experience.
Re-building myself out of the deep sorrow of a nervous breakdown took years. I did two years of counselling each week, saw a psychiatrist every three months, tried several medications, went on cleansing retreats, participated in two eight week programs of cognitive behaviour therapy and slept for days and hid under my heated blanket. My bedroom was the only place I felt safe. I had ideology of not living and how peaceful it would be. I was mot planning a time or place to hurt myself, but also scared that I would do something. I hated who I was and I did not know how to love or care for myself. I also knew that I was the only person who could help me. I had become quieter and dropped even deeper then I thought possible into the darkness of depression.
My family worried and did not know how to help me, little did they know that they couldn’t. Only I could and maybe instinctively I knew the pain I was feeling had to happen. The discomfort of this pain was not just from the slow burning anger I felt from being unappreciated. It was deeper that this, I had to go into this painful dissolving, it was slow and necessary for me to accept so I could finally come out of this place to finally think of this time in my life as a “breakthrough” not a “breakdown.”
Even as low as I was I was not ready to give up, I had my first grandchild arriving in February and I was to do everything I could to be there for her arrival. As I quieted my mind, and sank deeper into the pain, my mind began to dissolve and I began to notice my heart. I had a dream of my dad who had passed four years prior to this time. It was so vivid in the time of such pain and darkness, later I read this is known as the “dark watery night.” When the conscious mind and the subconscious mind meld together as one. I dreamt I was sinking in cold water, I was struggling and scared and no matter how hard I tried to swim to the surface I could not rise. I was stuck and not moving anywhere just exhausting myself.
I could not breath and my fear of drowning came to life, I felt myself giving up. I then saw my Dad he was holding me, looking into my eyes. His eyes were kind, his voice was calm and he was there to help me. He said,”Sweetheart, if you swim deep enough you will find a bubble.” He then hugged me in tight and told me I was ok. I knew then I had to let go. I sank deeper and deeper. The message was clear; bubbles float to the top.
It is where my brain goes. The brain goes back to sabotaging, to feed the doubt that is constantly biting at my heels. I did make it back into the zoom meeting. I had sent a message to Jewel to ask Ruth to start teaching until I could log back in again. I made my way back into the meeting to see these wonderful women, non-flustered and not judging me. Only I did that. Ruth was beginning to teach and was calm and felt a calmness as soon I began to teach again. The feeling of doubt moving away from my thoughts with each yoga movement, my breath began to settle and the frustration melting away.
When it came time for Jewel to offer the “Heart Speak”, I was so thankful to be able to lay down on my mat and participate. I had never experienced it before and it was exactly what I needed. Jewel asked these question; “ask your heart, what do you need form me?” We were asked to then listen quietly to our hearts. “Your heart is pointing you to the thing you need to know. Breath it in. Notice your resistance. Listen to the wisdom from you to for you.”
Words have power, and how we talk to ourselves is important. With this practice I layed in savasana on my yoga mat, I covered myself with a blanket and my habitual thought rose up again and again. The negative thoughts trying to bombard my heart's messages, so much louder and persistent . I kept breathing: slowing the breathing in and breathing out over and over again, I scanned my body and asked it to slowly relax. Asking myself to allow my heart to speak to me. Saying quietly to myself. “I already know what you think of me, I work so hard to quiet you. Please let me heart speak of my heart needs.” Finally I began to find the space of quieting, my distressing thoughts settling so I could hear. It was a simple message from my heart. “Let go.”
I breathed deeply and said these word over and over again. Breathing in I would silently say “let” and breathing out I would say “go.” Let go of the worrying about what other think. I was so worried that even when I was trying to listen to my heart the inner critic was so loud. This inner critic wanted me to fail and stay small, stay in a constant state of depression. My mind thinking that this is the way to protect me, to keep me safe. Even as I was listening to this message from my heart to let go, my inner critic had one final message to me. “No one will ever think you are professional , this class has been a complete cluster-fuck!” I could feel the tears welling , I could feel the heaviness, the feeling of heaviness that I was failing again.
“Let go.” I breathed. I came back over and over again. Then I heard the door open where I was teaching and my three year old grandson came in the room. He was trying to be quiet. He came over to me and I sat up and held him. His warmth comforted me and I went to my computer to listen to Jewel, I sat with Harvey closed my eyes and rocked slowly. His warm little body in my arms and my heart swelling in love. “I am not a professional," my heart said, “ I am only this moment right now.”
I then brought each person back and we all sat together, bringing our hands to prayer at our hearts. I asked that we all breath collectively for three breaths, Harvey too was breathing, his breath so new and so beautiful against my hands in prayer. We then ended the practice with one collect “Om.” As we unified our voices in the universal sound of Om, Harvey gently kissed my hands over and over again. It was so amazing. My heart and the universe had brought me this message to let go and except what is.
After the class, I ended the meeting and wrote in my journal this experience, and after each class I write down how the class went and ways that I could improve the class for next time. I remembered Jewel talking about how we all have had a life time of thinking a certain way. I wrote in my journal to myself; “thank you for listening to your heart speak and to hear what the heart is wisely guiding your way. This is your journey Georgina.”
Be kind, be patient.
I offer this class to you. It is imperfectly imperfect. I hope you find ease in the class and are able to also listen to the messages of your heart. Our hearts are wise, kind and patient. Patiently waiting to support you on your journey when you are ready to listen to your own wisdom from you to you. Thank you to the wonderful ladies in The Anchored Heart Series, to Jewel for offering this beautiful teaching, to Ruth for stepping in when I was not there to teach. Each of you are appreciated from my heart to each or your hearts.
Click on the image below to access this class and use password: anchored22